


it's the darkest of all before the dawn

by episode342



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Most characters are just mentioned, No character bashing, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Love, otae deserves the world, this actually gets kinda serious because i cant write comedy lmfao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28647528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/episode342/pseuds/episode342
Summary: “His soul was big enough to carry the entirety of Edo. But his heart, it already belonged to someone else, Otae. I hope you know that.”
Relationships: Sakata Gintoki/Shimura Tae
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	it's the darkest of all before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a while but the movie revived my love for these two. this one is for gintae nation.

The first time she realizes she’s in love with him, it feels like the universe is playing a cosmic joke on her.

Because, she doesn’t fall for him after she nurses him back to health, or while she scolds him for getting himself hurt. Nor does she fall when she sees him again, holding her umbrella in his grip and a grin on his face.

 _I made it back, Otae-chan._ It’s almost like the smug bastard says it with his eyes.It’s the relief that stops her from knocking that stupid grin off his face.

No, it doesn't happen then. 

Neither does it after he rescues her from a marriage she forces herself to be part of. She doesn’t feel warm or flustered when he nods in her direction and looks at her like he wants to say something.

 _Say it,_ she almost begs. But she doesn’t. Because she’s not in love with him. And she doesn’t think she ever will be.

She thinks she might be wrong about that after Obi Hajime’s passing. When she learns about him throwing away his pride and begging the Shinsengumi to spare her first love for the siblings’ sake.She shakes it off soon after. _Your heart is healing_ , she tells herself. _Do not confuse gratefulness for something that shouldn’t be there in the first place._

No, Otae doesn’t fall for him in moments of self sacrifice or heroism. Instead, she falls for him a Sunday evening. Spring is starting, the last signs of winter’s snow melting. She sits, ice cream tube on her gloved hands. She knows she shouldn’t eat cold things when it’s cold out, but she lets herself live a little. She can go back to being a responsible adult tomorrow morning.Beside her, the kids are as loud as ever. Shinpachi is going on a rant about Kagura having to bathe Sadaharu soon, while the younger girl tells him her friend might get sick if he gets wet in the middle of the winter.

“It’s nearly _Spring_ , Kagura-chan!”

“You don’t know how he feels! He might get a hype hernia!”

“You mean hypothermia!”

Tae laughs. She appreciates the moments when her kids are allowed to be kids and not the saviors of this planet or the next. She wishes every day could be like this, for them.It’s the reason she was forced to grow up so young, to make sure Shinpachi got to live his youth the way they both deserved to.

“Gin-chan! Tell Shinpachi he stinks! If anyone needs a bath it’s him!”

She’s brought back from her train of thoughts at the sound of a scoff to her left. Gintoki sits up from where he lays on the floor, re-reading one of his favorite JUMP issues. She notices the way his bones crack as he stretches and the small noise he makes in the process. Almost as if sensing her stare, he turns to look at her.

He lifts a brow in question and Otae looks away. It’s silly, the way she suddenly feels like there’s not enough air to breathe. Or the way her skin feels way too hot. Her heart pounds faster by the second and she feels like she might die. It’s horrible.

She wonders how people can feel this and like it. She takes a deep breath and shakes off the feeling.

No, Otae _isn’t_ in love. Love is for wealthy ladies being courted by sons of family friends. It is for childhood friends making vows and promises of marriage and children in a distant future they probably won’t get to see.

Love is for those people. It isn’t for eighteen year old Tae Shimura, falling for her brother’s mentor. A man raised by war.A man who would throw his life away for someone else’s in the blink of an eye. A man she could so easily love and so easily lose.

She’s not in love. She never will be.

* * *

She repeats those words like prayers during the nights. War has been tough to everyone, and Utsuro’s carnage has left damage beyond repair. She fears Edo will not be able to build itself back up, but shrugs off the thought. They will be okay, she has to believe they will.

It is after the kids fall asleep that she gives herself a minute to process it all. She wonders whether it’s a blessing or a curse they’re all still alive. She doesn’t think it can be considered living, what they’re doing right now. She hardly believes things will go back to normal even if they win. She hates that she has to be strong on the inside, that she’s not allowed to show just how much she wants to give up. She wants to yell out that she’s afraid, but the knot inside her throat won’t her let her. She’s at least grateful her eyes don’t hold her tears hostage.

“Hey,” she hears from behind her and immediately wipes at her face. She’s grateful for whoever it is that cut her crying session short.

The voice speaks again, softer and closer. It is then that she realizes it’s Gintoki. He looks tired, drained.

“You should be resting,” she tells him.

He scoffs, “So should you.”

“I can’t sleep.” Otae says, almost too quick.

He lifts his brow in question, and it’s like that last day of Spring so many months ago. Except it’s not the same because they’re not home, and they probably won’t be there ever again.

“Otae,” he begins.“You’re shaking.”

And she is. Her hands feel like they’re on auto pilot, and her spine hurts from how fast she’s moving. She tries to tell her body to stop, but it doesn’t. She’s frustrated, and so _so_ tired.

She hears her own sob before she could stop it and the apologies rush out just as quick,“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It must be the lack of sleep.” They’re all excuses. She _knows_ he can see through them.

Still he doesn’t mock her, or turn away awkwardly. Instead he pulls her close so her head rests against his chest and his head on top of hers.

“You don’t have to act strong in front of me, Otae-chan. You already _are_.”

And perhaps it’s the tone he uses or the words he says, words she didn’t know she needed to hear for so long, that finally break her.

She feels his hand rubbing circles on her back, she hears his steady heartbeat against her racing one. He’s warm and composed and she’s a mess. But he’s still here, holding her. Being there for her. And she finds that she’s okay with it being him that sees her like this.

For all his flaws, Gintoki Sakata is kind and wise. He understands pain, drowns himself in it a little too often. If anyone has to act as her lifeguard against the current, she’s glad it’s him.

She doesn’t question it when it comes to her.One moment she’s holding him tight and the other she’s pulling away. She takes him in for a moment, his eyes look at her in question. He’s listening, waiting for her to tell him what’s on her mind. She gives him an answer by pressing her lips against his.

She hasn’t kissed anyone since Kyuubei, so she can’t imagine its any good. She hopes he doesn’t taste her hesitation and insecurities. She feels the slightest press before he pulls away, his forehead against hers.

She doesn’t want him to speak. Somehow, deep inside, she knows what’s coming. It doesn’t make it any less painful to hear it.

“Otae.”

“Don’t say anything, Gin-san.” _Don’t push me away._

He lets out a chuckle, it sounds bitter and sad.“Oi, you kissed me and now you’re telling me to shut up? You wound me, Otae-chan.”

She laughs, and it’s almost painful how relieving it is to hear him joke around like that again.

He pulls away again to meet her eyes, and offers her a sad smile. His hands find either side of her face and he begins caressing her cheeks. His hands are cold, but she finds that she doesn’t mind.“I... I appreciate this. You. But, I don’t want you or your brother to think I took advantage of your vulnerable state to do that.”

“I kissed _you_ , Gin-san,” She says, in his defense.

“You shouldn’t have.”

Otae laughs, because why wouldn’t she? The universe has had it against her since day one and never once has she complained.

“Otae?” he asks, and this time she pulls away from him. Immediately she misses his touch.

“Is it so hard to let people love you, Gin-san?” She asks, and she means it. She knows what this is. Gintoki can have the whole world at his feet and he wouldn’t take an ounce.

“You constantly hold everyone at arms’ length, despite how much love you show them through your actions. Those kids, they love you. Otose-san. Sarutobi-san and Tsukuyo-San. Everyone back home. They all love you, Gin-san. Because you’ve changed their lives, one way or another. You’ve fought for them when no one else did. You gave them hope. You still do. You deserve happiness too, you know? So why…”

“Otae. There are things you don’t know—“

“So tell me,” she begs, “Tell me, Gin-san.”

He lets out a sigh, and gives her one of those sad smiles she hates so much.

“Let’s go back inside, Otae.”

He walks away first, and she can finally breathe.

* * *

She doesn’t see him for two years after the war. Shinpachi tells her the Yorozuya has disbanded, that Gin-san and Kagura-chan have left on their own journeys. He says they need time, and it isn't anything personal or against him. Otae thinks her brother is too kind for someone hurting so bad.

They learn to live without Gintoki and Kagura by their sides. It’s tough at first, but they manage. Kondou-san visits often, helping around the dojo whenever he can.

Along the way, he tries to court Otae, properly this time. She tells him the truth, because he deserves to hear it.

She doesn’t want to love again, doesn’t think she ever can. Her heart isn’t hers anymore. She doesn’t doubt for a second Kondou-san would settle for that, but she doesn’t think he deserves it. He had atoned for his behavior, in many ways. He had matured, just as she had, after what they all went through. Still, she doesn’t think she could ever see him as anything more than a friend.

He understands, at least she hopes he does. Kondou-san is a good man. It’s not his fault he isn’t who Otae wants.

* * *

A year into Edo’s reconstruction, Tsukuyo pays her a visit. The woman is as strikingly beautiful as ever, her blonde hair is cut along her shoulders. Otae thinks it suits her.

“Tsukuyo-san, it’s a surprise to see you around. You look well,” she says, and she means it. She never got along with the woman before. Tsukuyo was awkward and reserved the times she met her.

“Otae-san, it’s good to see you again. Your hair as grown.”

She looks down and frowns, she never noticed before but her hair was longer. She supposed she forgot to cut it.

“Kyuu-chan cut their hair recently, too,” she opts to say.

“It is said that in some cultures, cutting your hair means cutting ties with you past and starting anew,” Tsukuyo says, thoughtfully.

Otae’s heart comes to a stop and she has to look away from the blonde’s piercing lilac eyes.

“I’m glad you still care about him. I do too,” she says after a beat of silence.

Otae wonders if Tsukuyo knows about the kiss then shakes her head, there’s no way anybody knows. That secret is hers alone. _And Gintoki’s._

“It’s hard not to care about him, though. Even if he didn’t let too many people close,” the blonde continues, “I loved him. He was a silly, lazy good for nothing but I still loved him. He saved my life, and changed it for the better. I was able to find myself, and my family because of him. I’ll always be grateful for what he did for me, I’ll always love him for it.”

Otae finally looks up. Tsukuyo doesn’t look sad. Instead, she smiles. It’s almost too personal she wants to look away, but Otae stares. Tsukuyo came here for a reason. She wanted Otae to hear all of this.

“He didn't love me back,” she says and Otae almost chokes on her own spit.

“W-what? Did he— tell you that?” She asks, confused.

Tsukuyo chuckles, “He didn't have to. I think he saw a little of himself in me, back when we first met. Which is why he didn't want me to go through what he went through. But he never… saw me as anything else. I don't think so.”

“I’m sorry,” Otae offers and Tsukuyo's smile never wavers.

“His soul was big enough to carry the entirety of Edo and Yoshiwara. But his heart, it already belonged to someone else, Otae. I hope you know that.”

With that, she left, leaving a stunned Otae behind.

Later that night, it dawned to her Tsukuyo was giving her her blessing. She only wished it wasn’t already too late.

* * *

Seeing him again felt more like a twist of a knife than a cold bucket of ice thrown on top of her head.

Before she was able to process it all, war was upon them again.

It was over almost too quick, and Otae felt the prickling sensation things would go south any second. She wondered if it was just a natural reaction, if she could consider it trauma and if it was valid for her to compare it to anyone else’s. She didn't think it was fair to them.

She finally caught him alone, long after the war. Everyone was enjoying themselves inside, finding ways to scam Kondou-san into paying all of their tabs.

He was alone, outside the door of the Yorozuya’s home. He looked hesitant, almost afraid to push it open.

“Shin-chan has looked after it, I don’t think the place has been as clean as it is now because of him,” she speaks, softly to avoid disturbing him.

She sees him smile, barely visible, but it’s there. She missed his smile. She missed him _so_ much.

“He’s grown a lot,” he says after a minute or so, he looks proud and a little sad, “They both have.”He turns to look at her, really look at her, for the first time since the war. “You look good, too.”

She thinks she sees a tint of red on his cheeks, but shakes it off. It isn’t like Gintoki to get flustered over things like that.

“I don’t think I’ve changed as much as they have, Gin-san. I’m still the same.”

He looks like he wants to say something but he stays silent, turning around so his back is facing the door now. It seems like forever until he speaks again.

“Did he— When he gave you the sword, did he say anything?” He asks, and his voice is so vulnerable, it almost hurts to hear.

She knows who he’s talking about. Takasugi Shinsuke was once Gintoki’s friend, someone he called family. He had given her Gin-san’s sword to return to him without saying a word.

Otae shakes her head, “He… didn’t. But, he recognized me,it seems. He wanted me to give it back to you.”

Gintoki nods, then sighs in frustration, “He’s so ominous, even now. I can’t stand him.”

She sees the hurt in his face, despite his attempt at humor, and doesn’t think twice before holding onto his arm, and pressing her head to his shoulder. She feels him freeze for a mere second before he relaxes and pulls her into a hug. She doesn't know when hugs started to become natural for them. 

“Thank you, Otae,” he whispers into her hair and she’s sure he can hear her heartbeat with how loud it’s beating.

They pull away together, and Otae smiles at him reassuringly before pressing a small kiss to his cheek.

Upon seeing his eyes widen just a bit, she goes red. “Ah, sorry! I keep kissing you like that and—“  
  
Before she could get another word in, she feels his hands pull her face close to his, their lips meeting in the middle. There is no hesitation this time. Gintoki kisses her like he’s afraid to lose her. She feels his hand behind her neck, pulling her closer to him. She pulls away to catch her breath and feels him panic. It’s almost like he’s afraid she’ll do to him what he did to her all those years ago.

She laughs softly, pressing small kisses against his neck. Gintoki lets out a sigh of relief and presses his own lips against her forehead. “Uncute woman.”

“Stupid man.”

* * *

Otae knows tomorrow isn’t promised. She knows the universe could throw her a curve ball and make her the center of another one of its’ cosmic jokes. But she falls for him all over again.She falls like she’s not afraid to land hard, because she knows he’ll always be there to catch her at the end of the day.


End file.
